New Feature: Critical analysis of Republic candidates’ websites

With my faithful Wunderhund Maybelle ever lounging on the futon as she likes to stay within reach of Daddy, we shall begin our new series with Mike Hugabe — je m’ajuste — Huckabee. We are sorry for that slight slip of the electronic pen there, but after the news hit the blogosphere and the wires of the former governor’s most unenlightened views on quarantine of we poor Latter Day Lepers, we thought of the soon-to-be-late Mugabe of Zimbabwe.

Celui-là is such a kidder! The fat are so jolly! Wait! He’s been lidoed and the skin surgically removed (enough we hear to have put an entire Haitian village to work gearing up for the upcoming baseball season). He is no longer fat. It stands to reason that he is no longer jolly . . . so his site must be serious.

Well, Maybelle has had a bit of fake Mozzarella. Skim milk, not sure from what animal, but we’ve a feeling it ain’t buffa. The price of dairy is outrageous these days! So she can begin her nightly foray into squirrel eradication by dream, and i can write. Where were we? Oh, yes, Hugabe.

His first bit is wisdom is to extol the virtue of the “Fair Tax,” which we liken unto “Safe Coal,” by telling us that “When the FairTax becomes law, it will be like waving a magic wand releasing us from pain and unfairness.”

I’m sorry Mike, but is that lifted from a funeral sermon? “Releasing us from pain and unfairness” — “magic wand” — we can’t help but to think that Susan Sontag died much too early, much, much too soon for those bits not to be in a postulated update of “Notes on Camp.” So Mike likens himself to what or whom? Tinkerbelle? Taxes are death? We always thought that they were the price of a civilized society.

The wand and funereal imagery are bad enough, but let’s see what the Bland Baptist hast wrought on foreign policy: “Iraq is a battle in our generational, ideological war on terror. The Democrats delusionally deny that the war in Iraq is part of the war on terror even as we fight Al Qaeda there. Al Qaeda is a major ally of the Sunni insurgents in their fight against the Shiite majority. One of the most significant events in the Iraq War was Al Qaeda’s bombing of the Shiites’ Golden Mosque in Samarra in February 2006. That bombing led to the dramatic rise in sectarian violence between Sunnis and Shiites we’ve seen ever since, furthering Al Qaeda’s goal of fomenting chaos and civil war. What’s in it for them? They need territory, a place to plot their evil and train their murderers for another September 11.”

Evidently he didn’t get news from September 2001: al Qaeda is an Arab Peninsular phenomenon, or was, until even the Arabs got tired of them and booted them first to Sudan and then Afghanistan. Then we invaded Iraq, a secular state whose goal was to be the New French Empire East, trumpeting Baathist unity with no room for silly Wahhabi nonsense, but lots of soldiers and oil revenue to march them. Now they may or may not be in Iraq. Who knows who has the legit franchise and who are 14th ST knockoffs? I think if you look closely, you will see the dye on the LV’s are a bit askew from the genuine article . . . oh, that is for handbags. Our Arabic here is pretty limited to foodstuffs (something I am sure M. Hugabe knows a bit about) like kofta, pita, babaganoush, kebab, etc., and a few odd religious phrases and words, so I can’t be sure if they are genuine or not in Irakistan. I am pretty sure they were in Afghanistan.

We shall give him a B+ for the attempt at alliteration with “Democrats delusionally deny” but that is pretty lame, not up with Buchanan’s “nattering nabobs of negativism.”

Well, we don’t need to say that loss of a progressive income tax for a VAT is not going to happen. Has one ever heard of a tax going away? When we were in economic exile in the wilds of Long Island, Land of Mystery and Largely Unexplored Suffolk County, we discovered while needing to clean some paint brushes, via Newsday that some little bitty draw bridge in Nassau had been paid for by a toll and a tax. They were levied in the early 1920s. They were used to support the relief of the toll takers. No maintenance had ever been needed for them, being built in the 1920s and not much ship traffic is inbound from the teeming Brooklyn wharfs these days needing a short safe harbor. In short they were a patronage job, a sinecure for and from the Republic Party of Nassau County for the benefit of its loyalists.

But I digress. Let us get back to Flat Tax/Clean Coal. This, The Huck assures us, would only be for new products, not used. Glory hallejulah! We not-working working lads can rejoice for we rarely buy anything new and retail. Can’t one see the container ships coming in from Genoa and Marsailles, filled to the brim with European used couture! Why I might have that 42 R Armani suit after all! Tax free! Imagine, we will all look like people from New Guinea, with odd tees with logos so oddly out of place that we once again wish Sontag were still with us, only in haute couture. I rather fancy the idea of Butch and Leroy ditching their Rustlers for some Matinique. I don’t know about you, but I am not above buying used Liberty of London shirts, frayed cuffs and odd Euroodors be damned, if I can get it tax free! Screw you VAT!

His Immenseness –I correct myself again! — what is a Baptist preacher’s title? Brother, I presume, like Francis, Brother Hugabe is on something there: a government based on thrift stores. The dollar is so weak it won’t be long until our betters who were relying upon our continued conspicuous consumption shall be reduced to offing their relics in consignment stores for pence on the pound and we shall be there to gobble them up, well, have we any money, we shall.

Lest anyone think I lie, look up the hilarity on for yourselves.


2 Responses to New Feature: Critical analysis of Republic candidates’ websites

  1. information


  2. Tax Guru says:

    I’ve been interested in taxes for longer then I care to admit, both on the private side (all my working life-time!!) and from a legal stand since satisfying the bar and following up on tax law. I’ve provided a lot of advice and redressed a lot of wrongs, and I must say that what you’ve posted makes impeccable sense. Please carry on the good work – the more individuals know the better they’ll be equipped to handle with the tax man, and that’s what it’s all about.

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